As a man with three small children, I spend much of my time watching children’s television. Most of them I don’t mind and can actually enjoy, but there are several that make me want to chew off my own arm. Hence, my zombie muse was awoken and children’s television that would have been made better with zombies was born.

Barney and Friends

If there was ever a television show created, written and produced by Satan, then it is Barney and Friends. Barney is a stuffed purple dinosaur that magically comes alive to play with a bunch of kids along with his weird little dinosaur friends. Many of you are thinking, zombie Barney, but what would be the fun in that. Wouldn’t you rather see that giant purple bastard being chased by a horde of zombified 5-year-olds. I think I would pay to see that. All that would be left would be shards of velvet and cotton filling mixed with the metallic smell of fresh blood. Yeah, I am not the only sicko smiling as he thinks about it.

Dora the Explorer and Go Diego Go

I lump these androgynous tweens together as I think they were at one time conjoined and shared the same brain. There can’t be anything better than a couple of kids talking to wild and potentially dangerous animals unsupervised by any adults. Diego runs around in a submarine talking to sharks and Dora hangs out with the outbreak monkey. The best part of this is Rosie Perez as Click the Camera because I remember her as the foul-mouthed bitch from White Men Can’t Jump. Why not have Diego get bit by a rat monkey and eats Dora’s entrails as his sister contemplates if she can shoot him in the head. Now that’s good television.

Dragon Tales

Emmy and Max are two little kids who once again travel to a different world without the supervision or knowledge of an adult after wishing on a dragon scale that was left in their new house. This transports them to Dragon Land where they have adventures with their gentle and yet stupid giant Ord, saucy pink vertically challenged Cassie and the two headed; yes, two headed; dragon Zak and Wheezy. After listening to Ord complain over and over again, I can’t help but relish the idea of a zombie plague taking over dragon land. Zombie dragons, YEAH!!! Suddenly Dragon Tales becomes a game of Dungeons and Dragons. I am so taking my Paladin against the undead Cassie. I would kick that pink abomination right back to her knuckerhole. If you watch the show, you would be laughing hysterically. If not, this is an awkward silence.

My Friends Tigger and Pooh

Walt Disney has brought Winnie the Pooh to the 21st Century with a new cartoon done with computer generated graphics. It has all the old characters minus Christopher Robin. They added a young girl named Darby and her Dog, who along with Pooh and Tigger, make up the Super Sleuths. These amateur detectives solve the miniscule mysteries that happen in the 100 acre wood. First of all, Darby does not get zombified. She is voiced by Chloe Moretz better known as Hit-Girl in Kick Ass. Instead, lets get this zombie party started with the most wimpy of the characters, Piglet. He can’t even walk straight anyway so a shamble isn’t too much of a stretch. He goes from house to house eating the occupants of 100 Acre Woods until there is only him and Pooh left in a one-on-one battle royale. In the end, even Winnie couldn’t stand up to the hordes of undead animals and the whole 100-acre woods ends up being covered in Pooh. You had to see that one coming.

Little Einsteins

If there was ever a show that personified child abandonment, then it’s this little gem from Walt Disney. Four kids travel the world in a self aware rocket that has the ability to transform into a million different vehicles except for the one that is immediately needed. They have their own massive clubhouse and solve mysteries by listening to classical music and looking at various types of art. There is never a parent thought of or heard in this cartoon despite the kids being gone for seemingly hours if not days. My personal feeling is there is fresh dirt in the basement in the shape of two human adult bodies. Why not have the parents rise from the dead and begin the zombie apocalypse. The children and rocket watch from above as their loved ones and friends are turned into zombies. They decide to start the human race anew on a island untouched by zombies. The second they get off rocket, they realize the virus has spread everywhere and they whole group is eaten. Rocket hovers above and laughs maniacally as his plan to take over the Earth has been achieved.

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