It’s Time For A United Nations Office Of Zombie Affairs

If the United Nations was going to create a position for an official ambassador to greet aliens when they contact earth (since denied), then my tax dollars should be spent on something imminently more lethal and  dangerous to all mankind than some bobble-headed alien landing on our planet in search of manganese and hot chicks with tentacles.  The United Nations should create an Office for Zombie Affairs–modeled after its own United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs.

This new office will need to be up and running–NGO corruption in place and all,  when the big Zombie Apocalypse balloon goes up.  As Dan Drezner of Foreign Policy posits in Night of the Living Wonks–most countries would do okay, as long as they kill most of their zombies:

The system would also be expected to function well enough to ward off a total zombie apocalypse. Zombie flare-ups would no doubt take place. Quasi-permanent humanitarian counterzombie missions, perhaps under United Nations auspices, would likely be necessary in failed states. Liberals would acknowledge that the permanent eradication of flesh-eating ghouls is unlikely. The reduction of the zombie problem to one of many manageable threats, however, is quite likely. Most countries would kill most zombies most of the time.

I’m not interested in a committee on the peaceful uses of zombies or a legion of UN lawyers wrangling over international zombie law.  What I want is guys in blue helmets with large caliber weapons blowing holes in zombie craniums.  Like the math geeks at the University of Ottawa formulated–

“An outbreak of zombies infecting humans is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead. A zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilization, unless it is dealt with quickly.”

The politics of a zombie apocalypse would be messy–but not as messy as an unorganized, uncoordinated response to a zombie outbreak.  The United Nations has an ambassador to welcome aliens.  They need an ambassador of annihilation to welcome zombies.


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