Ways to Make Zombies G-rated for Television
AMC is bringing the Walking Dead to the small screen in a bold move to create a zombie television series, but with such graphic staples such as flesh eating and grievous wounds, I had to wonder how they are going to make this suitable for the standards and practices people. I am a little worried how G-rated zombies will fare with die hard zombie fans. Here are some of the easiest ways to make zombies less abrasive for basic cable.
Make everyone’s guts made out of Cheerios: Lets face it, there is no way you can rip into someone’s insides without giving a four-year-old nightmares for life. The stripping of the flesh, blood squirting and white flash of ribcage is too much for basic cable. Why not make everyone’s insides made out of Cherrios and use milk instead of blood. Not only are you eliminating the blood and gore, but you’re encouraging children’s to eat a healthy breakfast. Just be careful that little Joey doesn’t take a bite out of his brother hoping for some honey-sweetened goodness.
Vegetarian Zombies: Nothing would make PETA more happy than a series where the zombies didn’t even eat meat. Kids can’t be scared of zombies maliciously tearing into a ripe ear of corn. It might take the chill-factor out a bit, though. I don’t think I would be too scared of the walking dead if all they wanted was my garden. Although, I spent a long time on those tomatoes and I’ll be damned if a zombie is going to rip open their innocent flesh. DIE, ZOMBIES!!! DIE!!!!
Zombie Apocalypse don’t you mean Zombie Get-together: Zombies can’t be censored if all they really want to do is hang out. Think of it as Seinfeld meets Dawn of the Dead. “Whaaaat’s uuup with all the shambling?” What do you think of the Undead Soup Nazi? A non-speaking zombie gig might be the only thing Michael Richards can get nowadays.
Dennis Franz’s Ass: If you want to incorporate some nudity into the series, as any good zombie entertainment should, then what can you do? The answer: Dennis Franz’s ass. This NYPD Blue’s alum’s ass has been seen on television so many times it has been sanctioned by the people at standards and practices as acceptable nudity. The only caveat is that you can’t eat anything for at least 30 minutes before the show or you risk serious nausea.
Blue skin … don’t you mean crimson cheeks: The look of a zombie with their blue, decaying skin can be a problem for family viewing. Instead of packing on the blue make-up, why not just rouge up their cheeks a little bit? I can’t think of anything scarier than a bunch of undead zombies strutting around looking like French whores. That might give me more nightmares than seeing a half eaten face coming at me.
If you add these together, you can get a great series that appeals to every audience. Imagine seeing Dennis Franz naked and turning around to see a whored-up zombie chewing on a stick of celery asking him to answer the phone at Vandelay Industries.