When it comes to Disney movies, there are two things that come to my mind – cheesy animation and death. Yes, I said death. You can’t seem to have a Disney movie without someone dying or being already dead by the opening credits. Who didn’t stand back mouth agape when they killed off Nemo’s mom in the first five minutes by being eaten by a barracuda? Yeah, that won’t screw up a 4-year-old for life.
Since Disney movies are already filled with death and destruction anyway, let’s add zombies to the mix and see if we can’t turn a Disney classic into a Disney massacre. Here are my top five picks for Disney movies that would have been better with zombies.
Mary Poppins “Just a spoonful of sugar helps intestines go down, intestines go dooowwwnnn, intestines go down. Just a spoonful of sugar helps the intestines go down, in the most delightful way.” A magical nanny comes down from the heavens and infects two innocent children with the zombie plague. Her plot to take over London by a legion of child zombies is thwarted by a chimney sweep, some penguins and a guy with a wooden leg named Smith. Reports are still sketchy as to the name of his other leg. Supercalifragilisticexpeali… send more paramedics.
Bambi The young fawn is saved from the savage hunter that shoots and kills his mother. He spends his youth drafting an elixir to bring back his dead mom with the help of his Goth animal friends Flower the skunk and Thumper the rabbit. Zombie mom goes on a rampage through the forest and eats Thumper leaving only a single foot she keeps with her at all times for luck. Finally, Bambi and a shotgun wielding Flower track down the undead doe and finish her off in a flare of gunfire and venison. In the end, Flower is ticketed by conservation police for hunting deer out of season.
Beauty and the Beast The beast is holed up in is castle for years barricaded from the rest of the world, which has been overrun with zombies. He slowly goes insane and begins having friendships with inanimate objects including a tea pot, a clock and a candelabra that has been fashioned into a flame thrower to fight the zombie horde. The beautiful young Belle’s village is invaded by zombies and she flees into the forest where she enters the beast’s castle. As the zombies break through the defenses, Beast and Belle fall in love and share a single kiss before they are ripped apart. I love a happy ending.
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Absent minded scientist Wayne Szalinksi uses parts from a lawn mower, toaster and “personal massager” to create a shrinking ray, but instead, accidently fashions a homemade zombinator and accidently transforms himself into a member of the flesh eating undead. One by one he chomps on each of his kids until the next door neighbor shoots him in the head. Disney renames the picture, “Honey, I ate the kids.” The movie spawns a Disney attraction, “Honey, I ate the audience,” but closes soon after opening because of falling ticket sales and a rising numbers of the undead. Apparently, zombies don’t like to pay full ticket price.
101 Dalmatians Pongo and Perdita are two Dalmatians that fall in love while getting their master’s together in the park. Unfortunately, their master’s are both infected by a zombie virus and go on a rampage creating … wait for it … 101 zombies. The virus was created by the evil Cruella DeVil so she could fashion a coat out of zombie skin and she tries to capture the 101 zombies. Instead, she is ripped apart and her skin is used to make a flesh suit by the zombies. They take it to New York’s fashion week where it is bought by Lady Gaga and worn at the Video Music Awards, which claim it as one of her tamer costumes. The 101 zombies use the money to buy a plantation and live happily after with their own reality show on Bravo.