5 Chick Flicks Better With Zombies

Men all hate the thought of being roped into a marathon of chick flicks, and would chew our own arms off if it meant getting out of it. We don’t care about her dying father.  We don’t care if she wants to get her kids back. We don’t care about her sisterhood or what pants it’s wearing. What we want is bullets, boobs and blood … lots of blood. Imagine how some of these classic chick flicks could have been changed if there was a little taste of the undead.

Steel Magnolias: When I die and go to hell, Dolly Parton is going to be there with a pair of hair clippers, welcoming me to Truvy’s. This chick flick staple has been the bane of men everywhere for a couple of decades and revolves around a group of women dealing with life in a small, southern town. The daughter of the Flying Nun ends up dead and they all boohoo until someone smacks Shirley MaClaine. The end.  We already have the makings of a great zombie flick i.e. a dead body. I can think of nothing better than Julia Roberts coming back from the dead and taking out Sally Fields, Shirley MacLaine, Dolly Parton and Daryl Hannah. We’ll make Olympia Dukakis the hero since she’s a feisty old woman. She looks like she could lay the smack down on an undead Pretty Woman.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: A group of young nubile high school graduates all go off on separate summer adventures, but not before finding a magical pair of pants that seems to fit each one despite any size or height issues. Each faces her trials and tribulations that somehow get fixed after being sent these miraculous pants. Wow, if that plotline doesn’t make you want to shoot yourself in the head, I don’t know what will. You already have one staple of a good zombie movie, nubile young hotties that like to take off their pants. In the testosterone version of this story, each of these girls separate for the summer just before a worldwide zombie outbreak. One of the girls, lets pick the ugly one, gets bit and turned into a zombie. The other girls must battle hordes of the undead to find their zombie friend who can only be saved by a pair of Z. Cavaricci jeans worn by Rick Astley. As the credits roll … everyone gets rickrolled. Oh yeah, all the girls get naked at least once, but tastefully.

Hope Floats: Do you know what else floats? Dead bodies. Sandra Bullock is informed on a talk show that her husband and best friend have been having an affair and moves back to, yet another, small southern hometown (how original) with her daughter to start over and hide from the humiliation. She learns about herself and the meaning of true love. Excuse me; I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. While on the surface, this doesn’t have any red flags that just scream zombie, but the love interest is always a good back-up plan. Bullock is way too hot to zombify, but I don’t see why we can’t turn Harry Connick, Jr.’s character of Justin Matisse. “You stink Justine Matisse.” “That’s because he has been dead for a while.” Sandra must protect herself and daughter from her undead boyfriend, but at the same time she can’t put a bullet in his head, because she loves him. Think of it has Zombie Honeymoon meets … well … Hope Floats.

The Notebook: This chick flick has so much estrogen flowing through it that my man-breasts felt tender after watching it. An elderly man reads a notebook to a woman with dementia about the love affair between Allie and Noah. We find out Allie is the old woman and that she had the notebook created for Noah to read to her when she forgets. They both end up dying peacefully in bed. I would have gone into further depth, but I can only handle so much testicular shrinkage. This movie would have been digestible if the old man was reading the notebook as the undead hordes try to break into the hospital. We know they only have a short time left together before they are both eaten. The notebook is about Noah and Allie and how they met and survived the zombie outbreak with some excellent shots of Rachel McAdams’ boobs. As the zombies break into the room, we find the couple have both died together peacefully of natural causes. The scene fades as the undead dead feed on their recently dead bodies. That just brings a tear to my eye.

Pretty Woman: I think this movie was the progenitor of many modern chick flicks and has caused men throughout the world to cringe at first notes of a Roy Orbison song. Richard Gere meets prostitute, Julia Roberts, and takes her uptown where she is met with derision and disgust by his friends and the upper class in general. He falls for her, she falls for him and he ends up climbing a fire escape and the fairy tale ends. Woo fricken hoo. Women throughout the world turned to their boyfriends/ husbands and asked if they would do the same for them. Men turned and thoughtfully said “of course dear,” but in their mind saying “there’s a $50 on the nightstand, see ya later.”  In my movie, Julia Roberts would be a zombie and Richard Gere has a certain, shall we say, romantic predilection for the undead. Please, don’t look so disgusted, at least it wasn’t a gerbil. He spends the movie trying to spruce her up and make her look human, so he can fool his friends, but in the end he gets bit and they spend eternity as zombie lovers. Awww, that’s so cute.