Signs Your in a Bad Zombie Movie

I think any zombie lover worth his or her salt has thought about what it would be like to be in a zombie movie and fight off the hordes of the undead. It doesn’t matter if we put ourselves in a Romero classic or that bad B-movie that was on sale at Blockbuster, but there are a few signs that the movie you have chosen to be a part of is of a less than zombierific quality.

An overwhelming amount of fart jokes. While this fact may seem self evident and avoided by creators of quality film, there are movies like “Zombies Gone Wild” that seem to revel in it. There are about 10 minutes of this film dedicated to three guys sitting in a van farting, gagging from farting and discussion of said farting. While I do enjoy the occasional fart joke in moderation, being bombarded with multiple anal raspberries is enough to me want to be eaten by a zombie.

The creepy old dude. If your movie has some old caretaker/ grandfather/ weird guy that lives in a shack, then its time to head off to better fare. This person will either be involved with whatever started the zombie apocalypse or will have some sage-like advice to give the main character. “Do or do not, there is no try. Shoot for the head.” I like to call this he Gandalf principle. For some reason, the answers to the great questions can only come from some old guy. It’s not possible for the person who knows all the answers to be a 28-year-old hottie.

What do you mean we have to go through the creepy cemetery to get to your house? If you need to travel through a cemetery, factory, “old many Jensen’s farm” or any other way that doesn’t involve a paved road, it’s time to switch your movie. This is just a bad plot device that doesn’t have any place in a good zombie movie. If you live in a house, there is a frickin road that goes to it. If there isn’t, frickin move. Also, never go to a cemetery to have sex, it’s gross, wrong and will get you eaten.

The main evil doer is actually smoking an oversized cigar. Smoking is generally a bad guy thing to do any way, but if the movie needs to extend this further by having the bad guys smoke cigars the sized of their legs, you need to move on. A good evil corporate or military villain should not look like Boss Hogg from the “The Dukes of Hazard.” The only person that should ever smoke something that big is a Rastafarian from Jamaica or Jenna Jameson, you know what I am talking about. Wink Wink Nudge Nudge.

The zombies all look like down and out college students lookin’ for a quick buck. When you need a large number of bodies for cheap, the ideal place to go is a college dorm. They are so drunk half the time, the shamble about anyway. If “Girls Gone Wild” can get college co-eds to flash for a T-shirt, then you can get a few of them to do God knows what for $20 and a free lunch. You can probably even get a little girl-eat-girl action. For college guys, just tell offer them free beer and a designated driver and you will have friends for life.

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