Actors You Wanted to See in Zombieland
Zombieland rejuvenated the zombie horror genre, taking it away from the stylized action movies like Resident Evil and bringing it back to the horror/dark comedy that it was always meant to be. It may be hard to think of someone else playing the likes of Wichita or Tallahassee, but let’s take a look at a few alternate actors and actresses and see how they may have brought a little extra zest to the movie.
Tallahassee: Woody Harrelson played this part superbly, almost a lighter more sensitive version of his character in Natural Born Killers, but is there another active and energetic personality that could have brought Tallahassee more emotional range? How would you like to have seen a little zombie ass kickin’ to Sweating to the Oldies. Richard Simmons is a fine thespian who could have made Tallahassee a more sensitive man complete with biker shorts and pantyhose – for all that annoying chafing. There wouldn’t have been a lot of gunfire, but many zombies would have put a bullet into their own head if it meant not having to hear about Deal-A-Meals. Who’s FABULOUS!?!?!
Columbus: Jesse Eisenberg did a great job of creating a nerdy and vulnerable main character. He’s a nerd’s nerd who has never been laid and had it not been for a zombie apocalypse probably would be sitting at home having a little personal time with Rosie Palms. When I think of who could have taken his place, I am left with only one other man that could have surpassed him in nerdom – Wil Wheaton. Wheaton is the only man who still can’t get laid despite having been on television for most of his teenage years. Columbus is really just Wesley Crusher without a tricorder and the ability to create a static warp bubble. Wil is about 88 now, but still has the youthful look of a septuagenarian and could have really sold that whole zombie rules thing. Although, Wheaton would probably still sit at home with a bottle of lotion and a few tissues yelling, “Oh Captain, my captain” at climax even after the zombie apocalypse.
Wichita: Emma Stone was the typical hot chick needed to be the love interest of Columbus. You could pretty much replace her with any of the plethora of young hotties that are clamoring to be part of the Hollywood A, B, C and D-List. For this I had to think, who would be the perfect foil to Wil Wheaton as Columbus. My first thought was Betty White, but my wife said I had “jealousy issues’ with Wil Wheaton, and I just picked Betty White because she was old. In reality, Betty White is old and feisty so take that, sweetheart. Then I thought, Lucy Lawless because something tells me Wheaton may like a woman to kick his ass a little bit while in the sack and old Xena could do it. Ok, so maybe I do have a few issues with Wil Wheaton, but that’s something between me and my shrink.
Little Rock: Little Abigail Breslin was so cute in Little Miss Sunshine and added that much needed innocence factor to the whole Zombieland cast. She was the reason they were going to Zombieland in the first place. What young actress could have replaced Breslin as the innocent and yet prepared Little Rock? Perhaps, a young Britney Spears before the babies, drugs and the affections of K-Fed? Maybe, Miley Cyrus could do a pole dance and frighten all the zombies into submission.? No, I don’t think so. How about Betty White? As you can tell, I am determined to get Betty White in this movie. Rose Nylan from the Golden Girls portrayed the same innocence and at ripe old age of 249, the zombies would leave Betty alone because they would just think she is one of them. Sure, the age difference might be a little hard to get used to, but you can’t tell me that Betty White blowing the heads off zombies wouldn’t be the coolest frickin’ thing ever. Maybe that needs a Facebook fan page.
The clown: Columbus has an innate fear of clowns and comes face to face with his worst nightmare in the pleasant confines of Zombieland. What actor or actress could have played this evil incarnation and scared the hell out of Wil Wheaton? Answer: KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!