Five Most Predictable Zombie/ Horror Movie Moves
When you are watching a zombie movie, or horror movie in general, there are things that happen that just seem inexplicable. They are actions that seem either so out of character or out of the realm of common sense that they border on ridiculous. In reality, they are plot devices and are used to either move the plot forward or to explain why something can or cannot happen. Here are my top 5 stupid plot devices that all horror movies commonly use.
The Cell Phone Breaks, Gets Lost or Has No Signal.
We live in a digital age where communications have evolved from the landline based phones to portable minicomputers that can do everything except float, a fact I learned the hard way. You’re car breaks down in the middle of a forest and you pull out your cell phone to call the police, AAA or your mom and find that there’s no signal. This scene is needed to show that you’ve got no choice, but to wander into the woods where legions of undead await. It doesn’t matter if you got Verizon, AT&T or Tracfone, there is no signal. The undead and other monsters must have a built in cell phone jammer because you can get a signal in the middle of an Illinois cornfield, but evidently Verizon doesn’t have a tower near the Forest of the Damned. Today’s phones have GPS, e-mail and a host of apps to help you pass the time as you hide from flesh eating monsters, so you can get in that last game of Farkle before becoming an unwilling member of the undead.
Oops, I fell, Please Don’t Eat Me.
There is the inevitable chase where Jason, Freddy or a shambling corpse is following the heroine and just when she is about to escape, whammo, she trips on a branch, stick or occasionally on thin air. Then, if the fall isn’t bad enough, gravity increases by a factor of 10 and she can no longer get up off the ground, making her easy prey for the shambling corpse that’s still five minutes away. This happens because they need a way for the slow killer to catch up with the fast co-ed. After having been shot, stabbed and set on fire, it slows a killing machine down and he needs that extra help from hack writers to get the girl, so to speak. The fall isn’t all that improbable in that you are not looking where you are going and you may trip and fall. The part that amazes me is that the victim somehow breaks or twists her ankle EVERY time. I have taken several good falls in my time, I am admittedly clumsy, and I have yet to sprain or break my ankle. Occasionally, they have a little extra latex left from the zombie make-up and make a bone protrude just to emphasize the bad break.
Oh look, My Boobies Fell Out
Horror legend and puppet fetishist Charles Band once said that babes are essential to a good horror movie and I am willing to push that even further to say that a good pair wooblies will make up for most plot holes and cheesy special effects. I know I have sat through many a stinker movie in the hopes of getting a peak at a few pair of silicon/ saline implants. Movie makers know that their lack of money, plot and talent can be evened out by a few pair of well placed knockers. It is for this reason, that you can usually tell which woman is going to get killed off next. If she is having sex or just had her shower scene, expect her to be quickly eaten, slashed, etc., so we can move on to the next set of boobies. Occasionally, the really desperate directors won’t be able to figure out a scene for her to get naked, so they just have her shirt pop just before or while she is being killed. Why does this happen? Men, regardless of age, have the mental state of a horny teenager. If you want to test my theory, then watch one of the hundreds of bad B-movies from the 80’s and find out for yourself. I suggest Sorority Girls in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama.
The Blazingly Fast Speed of a Shambling Corpse
We have already talked about the infamous fall tactic used in many horror movies, but an alternative to create the great bad guy wormhole. You can usually tell when this is going to happen because the camera will first cut to the woman running, then to the bad guy slowly coming after her. Then, she’ll stop and look around and the bad guy will be nowhere to be found. Relieved, she begins to run forward again only to run into the brutish beast that has somehow moved in front of her. How did the undead hack-n-slasher evil camp counselor get in front her? Beats me, but she just had her shower scene, so it’s her turn to die. Evil doers somehow time travel, rip a hole in the space-time continuum or have Scotty beam them up and wind up in front of the victim. This is another lame device used by bad writers to explain how a one-legged zombie can somehow catch up with a 21-year-old track star. The funny part is that odds are everyone reading this has seen enough horror movies that when they begin this set up the first thing that pops into your head is “he is so going to show up in front of her and eat her.”
The Nerd Must Die and Most Likely As a Airgin
The cast of your standard horror/ zombie movie is pretty formulaic. They are in their late teen or early 20’s. The main couple is rational and average, but is having “problems” with their relationship. You have the horny couple that can’t keep their hands off each other and are rude, vulgar and otherwise inebriated and finally, the fifth wheel. This poor guy has no girlfriend, has no prospects for a girlfriend and odds are has never had sex. He has a crush on the horny girl and would like nothing more than to touch her boobies or at the very least watch the horny couple have sex. He is the smartest one among them and if anyone could figure a way out of their situation, then it’s him. It’s this higher brain function that makes him a prime target for dying about half way through the film. You don’t want him to die too early because you need him for that comic relief, but once the horny couple have sex and is killed off, this poor guys number is up. Another sign old nerdy is going to die; he gets the opportunity to have sex. The death will happen before the sex does. Also, he can’t just get killed. He has to die in an embarrassing or nerdish way like while masturbating or reading an Isaac Asimov book