Five Children’s Stories Made Better With Zombies

Many children’s books are like being on a trippy LSD flashback mixed with the cute and fuzzy feelings that make you want bash your head into a wall.  One aspect that has been lacking in many children’s literature are the flesh eating undead. I mean if you can have a pot smoking dragon named Puff and a trip down the psychedelic highway in Willie Wonka, then why not introduce a little cannibalism into some of your favorite children’s tales.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Old Roald Dahl didn’t know what he was missing by leaving out the flesh eating undead from this touching story of Charlie Bucket. Charlie spends half the book searching for that magical golden ticket and enters the factory to find little undead workers shambling about.  “What are those?” “They’re Oompa Loompas.” “They look like zombies.” “Shut up you little bastard, they are Oompa Loompas.” One by one, each of the kids is sacrificed to the Oompas Loompas in exchange for their continued work for Willy Wonka. “Violet, you’re turning violet.” Violet’s mom would say only to be corrected by Wonka. “It’s more of a crimson actually, children’s blood is a little darker than adults.” Charlie realizes he is the next one to die and pushes Grandpa Joe into the throng of voracious Oompa Loompas where he is feasted upon. Wonka sees a spark of himself in Charlie and takes him on as an apprentice and they live happily ever after sacrificing the innocent for good chocolate. It’s not really that much different than how Nestle does it.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

This Christmas classic, by Dr. Seuss, details the redemption of a mean Grinch whose heart is melted by the innocent Whos of Whoville. What a bore. Why not add a touch of spice to the tale by making the Grinch the leader of an undead army that descends upon Whoville on Christmas Eve.  Cindy Lou Who sat up in her bed to see a green Santa Claus and an army of undead. “Santa is that you,” the little girl cried. “You’re stealing the presents and my parents just died.” “It’s Ok, Cindy Lou,” the Grinch said in a voice so gruff. “Lay back down, you’ll be joining them soon enough.” The zombies drew nearer to Cindy’s location, and she pulled out a glock, saved for such an occasion.  One shot to the head and a zombie went down.  A second shot, dropped one more to the ground. “Silly Grinch, you don’t know what you have done. In Whoville, we hunt zombies for sport and for fun.”  She trained her gun between the crook’s eyes and asked if there was anything to say before The Grinch dies. “Cindy Lou, please have mercy, I’ve seen the error of my ways. Let me go and I’ll take my army far far away.” Cindy Lou thought hard and then she just laughed. You see, Cindy Lou’s a psychotic sociopath. The shot rang out and pierced his skull’s shell. “Merry Christmas Mr. Grinch, I’ll see you in hell.”

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Bears are generally at the top of the food chain, but when you introduce an undead little girl into the mix, then all hell is going to break loose. Goldie Locks is an 18-year-old girl that was bitten by zombies as she was having sex with her boyfriend on the beach. Her boyfriend died, as they often do in zombie tales, but because she hasn’t shown us her boobs yet, Goldie Locks is able to run away.  She staggers to a nearby cottage and goes in through the open door and into the kitchen.  Dizzy from the zombie virus that is running through her veins, she knocks over a table of porridge. One scalds her, the other freezes her and the third felt pretty good and she felt a little dirty afterwards.  She then staggers into the living room where she sits down on a large chair, but it makes her back hurt. You see, Goldie Locks has a problem with sciatica that she got from her mom’s side of the family. The middle chair enveloped her like a sheet, and when you add in that claustrophobia she got from being locked in the broom closet as a child, she decided to move to the third chair and was perfectly comfortable.  Ultimately, she decides to take a nap in the smallest of the beds. The three bears come home and are freaked out by the blood stains in their kitchen and the overturned porridge. Papa Bear is pretty sure he’s going to need to put some Febreze on his chair because it smells like rotten meat. They go into their bedroom and see a blood covered girl sleeping in their baby’s bed. They pull the covers off and zombie Goldilocks lunges at the baby, but is immediately confused. Zombies don’t eat animals, but here are three bears walking on two legs and talking, so should she eat them or not? Papa bears doesn’t give her a chance and with a swipe of his claw covered paws, he slices her head right off, but not before her shirt rips open and she shows her boobs. Now that’s a fairy tale ending.

Wizard of Oz

“We’re not in Kansas anymore,” takes on a whole new meaning for Dorothy Gale when a tornado lifts her house and she arrives in the land of Oz overrun with munchkin zombies. She exits the home with her little dog, Toto, and sees hundreds of Lilliputian zombies attacking and eating other munchkins. The good witch arrives and whisks her away, and warns Dorothy that the undead munchkin army is marching on the capitol and she must warn the wizard. Dorothy doesn’t give a damn, all she wants to do is get back home, but the witch says the only way home is with the wizard. “Good witch, why don’t you just fly me to the wizard and make all the zombies disappear. You can save hundreds and end all of this now.” Glenda, the good witch, looks at her with a sympathetic eye, “Oh Dorothy, I’m union and I am scheduled for some vacation time. If the zombies are still here when I get back, I’ll whisk them away.” With that she disappears and Dorothy begins her travels to the Emerald City, and meets the Scarecrow and Tin Man, the only people safe from the zombie hordes since one doesn’t have a brain to eat and the other is chew proof. The cowardly lion doesn’t even make an appearance because flying monkeys he can handle, but undead munchkins means he is not leaving his cave. Dorothy arrives at the Emerald City in time to warn the wizard and they are prepared when the hundreds of zombies attack the city. The zombies are hampered because none of them can reach the doorknob to the main gate and they just keep running into the door over and over again. One by one, the emerald archers take out the zombies until there is a pile of undead little people on the steps of the castle. There is much revelry and Glenda’s vacation ends just as the celebration begins. She arrives, congratulating Dorothy and tells her that she had the ability to go home the whole time. Before clicking her heels together, Dorothy bitch slaps Glenda for making her go through all this for people she doesn’t even know. Where is the wicked witch of the west? She’s in a cave with the cowardly lion and a few flying monkeys. Kinky.

The Polar Express

A doubting boy boards a magical train that is supposed to take him to the North Pole and Santa’s workshop, but in reality it’s all a trick by the omnipotent Tom Hanks to slaughter the innocent for another Oscar nod. The children have fun on the train where every adult is some rendition of Tom Hanks including the drag queen from Bosom Buddies. They eat candy and play games, but when they reach the North Pole instead of the Santa’s workshop they find a giant Blockbuster filled with only Tom Hanks’s movies and a legion of flesh eating zombies that all look like Tom Hanks. The children run in fear, but they can’t escape because Tom Hanks is everywhere. One by one, the children are picked off by the evil movie star until only our hero remains. When all is lost and the zombie Tom Hanks’ are closing in, a light erupts from the ceiling and Kevin Bacon comes to save the day. “Back off Hanks, you may have a thousand Oscars, but they can’t play six degrees with your movies.” “Curse you, Kevin Bacon!” Bacon lifts the boy up and carries him to safety as the giant blockbuster goes up in flames.