I have seen more than my fair share of zombie movies over the years and while many can be raucous romps of mayhem and destruction, occasionally a stinker comes along that is beyond redemption. There are a myriad of reasons that a zombie movie can go wrong. Deal breakers are movies that can’t quite make up their minds whether they’re comedies or straight horrors, writers somehow make zombies boring, or the plots are just so stupid you are actually dumber for watching them. Here are list of my top 5 worst zombie movies.
5. Zombies Anonymous: This movie had a great initial premise, but lacked the money and, let’s face it talent, to pull it off. In a world where the dead suddenly come back to life, reanimated corpses retain all their memories and the self-control they had while they were alive. The zombies have trouble adjusting to their new lives and the world has trouble adjusting to the zombies. Our heroine is a tragic victim of domestic abuse and dies. Luckily, she died with a shot to the head and other than the entrance and exit wound looks relatively normal, at first. The rest of the movie is about her slowly rotting and her inability to fit in, the formation of a zombie resistance group, and cadre of flesh eating zombie hippies. I know you’re asking yourself how can you go wrong, but I found myself wishing I was the one dead after about 45 minutes of this movie.
4. House of the Dead II: I am not saying House of the Dead was any prize winner, but at least it held on to some semblance of the actual game and was at least entertaining. House of the Dead II stinks so bad I had to Febreze all my living room furniture to get the funk out. The movie is basically a poor man’s Resident Evil with a crack group of military zombie assassins searching for “patient 0″ of the zombie outbreak. You have your standard macho hero and love interest, the scared geeky soldier, hot-headed jerk and hot vamp soldier. If this thing got any more stereotypical, there would be an Italian guy in a pinstripe suit yelling, “fa ged about it.” The overwhelmingly dark interiors and exteriors do a good job of covering up the high school musical make-up jobs and the ending is a bang … literally. If I had my way, I would stick this thing back in the bargain bin where I found it and save myself a bottle of Febreze.
3. Zombie Honeymoon: In this tale of undigested love, we have newlyweds Danny and Denise lounging on a beach when for some reason, out of nowhere, a zombie comes walking out of the surf and attacks Danny. Needless to say, Danny kicks off and slowly turns from beloved vegan to unrepentant flesh eater. Denise tries her best to keep her fragile marriage afloat as Danny eats everyone from beloved friends to random strangers. This is one of those movies that tries to pass itself off as a funny zombie movie, but still tries to get those poignant moments of drama and a few good gross outs as well. Instead, it falls apart into a zombie Lifetime movie of the week. The acting is so bad I actually found myself rooting for the zombie just to get these people to shut up. I tried to take this back to the sale rack at Blockbuster, but the movie was so bad they wouldn’t let me in the store.
2. Automaton Transfusion: I will admit that I have no clue as to the ending of Automaton Transfusion. I only got through about the first 30-45 minutes and was so bored that I actually turned it off and watched Phineas and Ferb instead. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for “Backyard Beach” to win out over undead flesh eating? The plot, and I use that word loosely, revolved around your standard group of high school/college kids who discover the town of Raccoon City … oh wait sorry, wrong movie … Grover City has been overrun with zombies and they must fight … blah, blah, blah. Wake me up when it’s over.
1. Land of the Dead: You have no idea how much it pains me to put this movie on here. The idea that a movie from zombie god George Romero could be on a worst movie list is appalling, but I paid money to watch this in the theater and the best thing about the experience was the popcorn. The first thing I hated about this movie was John Leguizamo’s stupid spear gun weapon. Who uses a frickin spear gun to kill a zombie? It was a high budget studio movie and had all the bells and whistles associated with that. That’s probably what I hated most about this movie. It is not so much the movie itself, but the creative freedom that Romero had with his other films seems absent here. There was lots of good CGI and make-up, loads of explosions and the hallmark of studio films, a subpar plot. I won’t get into details because if you are on this site, you have seen this movie. The basic plot is zombies are getting smarter, humans are getting complacent and soon the complacent humans become smarter zombies. The End.