Action Heroes Vs. Zombies
We all grew up with some of our favorite action stars blowing up and beating the crap out of everyone they saw. They could overcome seemingly insurmountable odds and save the world from nefarious evil doers without so much as getting a hair out of place. How would some of our favorite movie heroes have fared against a zombie onslaught? I have included only a few of the many action stars and heroes below and I may have missed your favorite, but feel free to leave suggestions and I might revisit this again with a whole new list of badasses. The only requirement is that they can’t be made out of metal, or have invincible skin like Superman. Zombies can’t eat what they can’t bite through.
“Dirty” Harry Callahan
Clint Eastwood brought this iconic hero to life in the 1971 film “Dirty Harry.” Harry’s a cop with a bad attitude and a big gun, 44-magnum, that dispatches the bad guys without needing to really reload all that often despite it only being a six-shooter.
“I know what you’re thinking — ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But, being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’”
In a one-on-one shamble situation, Dirty Harry would definitely have the upper hand. His hand gun doesn’t have the best aim, but it makes a big enough hole that it wouldn’t matter. The major problem with Dirty, if I may call him that, is that he is based in San Francisco, so you know that it would be teeming with thousands of zombies, and he’s got six shots, respectively. If you have six shots and seven zombies, you end up with two zombies. Sorry, “Dirty,” you fail.
Casey Ryback
Before Steven Seagal became a fat, pathetic reality TV cop, he created the character Casey Ryback in Under Siege with Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones and Under Siege 2 in the mid-90’s. This was the height of the action film genre where even those that couldn’t act could get relatively famous, for example, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Casey Ryback is a cook, who, conveniently enough, is a former black ops agent skilled in martial arts, knife fighting, guns, demolitions and … everything else. He successfully kills a lot of people and saves Hawaii from being blown up. Yada Yada Yada. You didn’t watch these movies for the plots. Martial arts whether you are a black belt or not will do dick against zombies. It’s hand-to-hand combat, which means you are close enough to get bitten. Knife fighting might fare a little better, but no matter how much you slice and dice, the zombie is going to get back up. Guns are good — big guns, little guns, guns that climb on rocks. Fat guns, skinny guns, even guns with chicken pox … Whoa, cut down on the caffeine there, Cooper. Blowing a zombie to pieces with explosives is always good, wholesome family fun to be had by all. My guess would be Casey would kill many a zombie before finally being bitten; but ultimately, zombie Gary Busey would kill him because Busey is just frickin nuts even in zombie form.
Leonidas and the 300
The brave Leonidas and his 300 Spartans killed about 10 billion people before being betrayed by a hunchback with a grudge and killed…a lot. Gerard Butler recently brought this character to life in 300 and will likely be back in a planned prequel. Leonidas and his Spartans’ main weapons are the spear, sword and even their shield. Many a Persian was beheaded by a Spartan sword and that translates well to zombies. When it comes to weapons, spears are more for puncturing and impaling, which would slow a zombie down, but not kill it. The sword will be their main weapon against a zombie attack, and even with hundreds of zombies; I think the Spartans would have fared well. Sure, a few Spartans would have died and come back, but they would have been quickly dispatched. Spartans are cool that way, not big on that whole emotional attachment thing. Leonidas and his warriors may have won this little battle of the badasses had it not been for one small factor. They hardly wear any clothes. A zombie isn’t going to stagger you with its brain power, it’s going to frickin’ eat you and you’re wearing a loin cloth. I don’t care how tight you have your phalanx, you’re exposed ankle is going to make a nice snack Leo.
Wolverine
Wolverine is a trained killer mutant with an off-the-chart healing factor, bones made out of indestructible adamantium and he has three razor sharp adamantium blades that come out of his knuckles. Hugh Jackman has popularized him in three X-men movies and one Wolverine Origins, but the character has been part of the comic book world for decades. I will admit that Wolverine almost won this little zombie competition. His weapons are built in so he never has to worry about losing them, his bones are indestructible so there is no chance of having a limb ripped off and with his healing factor, any injuries are healed almost instantaneously. He is a killing machine and could probably slice and dice hundreds of zombies before being bitten. The question I had to pose was: Would a zombie bite actually infect him and turn him into a zombie? His body kills every infection that it encounters. He has never been sick, so can a zombie virus/ chemical exposure, etc. actually turn him to a zombie. If not, he wins hands down. Being an avid researcher plus the fact that I didn’t really date much in high school, I have acquired an extensive knowledge of Marvel lore and there has in fact been a Wolverine zombie. Marvel zombies is a popular comic that was created where the world’s super heroes were turned into zombies including Wolverine. Sorry folks, he’s definitely a number two, but he just misses number one.
Neo
You have to assume there are zombies in The Matrix. Computer programs that died were brought back by creatures like the Merovingian. They must “eat” people in order to replenish degrading data. Yes, I have thought about this and yes, I have that much time on my hands. Neo a.k.a. Mr. Anderson, portrayed by Keanu “Whoa” Reeves, in the Matrix movies, is an “anomaly” in a computer created world and has the ability to reshape the Matrix, giving him powers like super human speed, strength, telekinesis and flight. Also, because of the nature of learning outside of the Matrix, he is an expert in nearly every type of martial art and weapon. Why he would most likely survive a zombie outbreak – He can frickin fly. Not only can he whip hundreds of martial arts trained Agent Smiths, if the fight gets a little too hairy, he can just fly away. Sure, it doesn’t bode well for the rest of us in the Matrix world, when in the middle of a zombie battle your powerhouse fighter takes off like a 747, but that would be your queue to find a phone.
