5 Reasons Life is Better as a Zombie

Let’s face it, zombies have and always will get a bad rap in the horror industry. They don’t have the super strength and mesmerism of vampires. (If you are into that Twilight crap, they don’t sparkle in sunlight either like those sissy vampires.) They don’t transform into some acrobatic beast like Jason Bateman or Michael J. Fox, remember your pop culture folks. Zombies are basically famous for being hungry and stupid, but in this time of constant hustle and bustle wouldn’t it be nice to be a zombie for a while?

1. They totally lack ambition. Zombies are basically the stoner teenagers of the horror world. They have no designs to take over the world, they aren’t stabbing each other in the back – not that it would matter anyway — they are not losing sleep over that big promotion. Hell, they don’t even sleep. They just shamble around looking for their next meal. The only thing they are missing is a bag of Cheetohs and a few sticks of incense.

2. They never have to worry about their health. If they go wild and eat a fat guy, they don’t have to worry about that clogging up their arteries.  They aren’t reading the side of the brain to see how much trans fat it has in there. They just eat it.  You won’t see zombies killing themselves with Pilates or making sure they get in their cardio.  Who cares if they eat too much fat or salt, it’s not like their heart is actually beating anyway.

3. They have high self esteem. Zombies are gross rotting corpses with things falling off, but are they beating themselves up about it? No! Everyone is so worried about how they look and how other people look at them, that their lives become one extended edition of high school, which would be my personal hell.  Zombies aren’t stealing clothes at the GAP or trying to fit in with the Goth crowd by shopping at Hot Topic. They are wearing the same shirt they died in two weeks earlier accentuated with a little brain matter for color. And they like it.

4. They have no emotional baggage. Zombies don’t suffer from intimacy issues or have a fear of commitment. Their dead, you can’t get much more committed than that.  Zombies wouldn’t go on Oprah or Jerry Springer talking about their addiction to shopping or ask Dr. Phil how to save their undead marriage. They would simply eat the sonofabitch. Zombies live in perfect harmony with each other and wear their emotions on their sleeves – along with part of whoever they ate last. They don’t lie, cheat, steal, get depressed or punch holes in walls when they’re angry. The only way you can really piss off a zombie – set him on fire—and even then it’s more of an agitation than anything else.

5. Their life is a whole lot less complicated. Do you ever get tired of things? Are you sick of living paycheck to paycheck, annoyed at how your life is turning out or scared of where it is going? Life is complicated from the second we wake up in the morning to when we lay our heads down at night and often it will even invade our dreams. We deal with debt, emergencies, family, work and an endless array of things that serve to only put us in the grave that much faster– and we don’t have the luxury of being reanimated. What do zombies have to worry about? They have no jobs. They aren’t looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. They don’t have to worry about getting evicted or having their home foreclosed on. The only thing a zombie has to worry about – getting shot in the head.